I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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