I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Come share oat with me in your robe
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize