omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
