I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
