we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
