Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
