Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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