Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
