i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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