I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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