Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
