I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
