so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
