The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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