I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so let's talk penis.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
