Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
