Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
