i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
