I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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