So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
