I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
