Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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