she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
