i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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