i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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