I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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