I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
