I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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