She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
