OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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