I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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