We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
