i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
