I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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