Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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