I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
