When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Man, jail baloney is awful.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
