Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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