Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
