So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
