I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize