He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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