I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
