hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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