It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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