You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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