Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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