College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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