Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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