I faked an abortion last night.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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