Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
