Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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