is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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