drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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