Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize