god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
