In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
