I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
