I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
