I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
