He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My cat gives me a boner
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
