lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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