I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
