The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
