I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
